This post is very long but if you have time, I hope you read it. I think its worthwhile. The trip to Egypt was long but relatively hassle free. We snuck in on the weight limit with our bag and had relatively uneventful flights from Madrid to Milan and then Milan to Cairo.
Arriving in Cairo was, well, pretty nuts and NOT hassle free. More like hassleFUL. Everyone wants to sell you something really badly. The airport looks pretty old and unkempt and everyone is doing something. We changed money, bought our visa, found our checked bag and began to ask questions about how to get to the bus station to catch the bus we needed to get to our resort in Hurghada (500 km away).
We were first told to go to some random place which didn’t work out too well. We were then told to wait outside of this random part of the airport for a minibus that would take us to the bus station. After a few minutes of waiting, I found an Egyptian tour guide who pointed us in the direction of “the bus station” which was within walking distance. But it wasn’t the right bus station. After a big run around, a taxi ride from an unofficial taxi, haggling with the guy at the ticket office, and a three hour wait at the Al Mahza bus station in the ghetto of Cairo, we got on our bus to Hurghada. We arrived at 6 AM to our hotel, feeling quite accomplished.
The location on the Red Sea is outstanding. The water is pristine and the beach is nice. The hotel looks really nice but the facilities aren’t the best. Example number 1 - Jess took a nap when we got in but I just went to the beach. We had flushed the toilet once between arriving and her taking a nap. She was repeatedly woken up by knocks at the door and telephone calls saying “Cleaning. Cleaning”. Logically we didn’t need cleaning as we had only been there 10 minutes. Finally someone called and said “Turn off your water.” So jess went out into the living room and saw that the entire bathroom and kitchen were flooded. The ensuing mess of 5 or 6 hotel staff staring at the floor of our room earned us a new, not cracked toilet bowl and a good thorough floor mopping.
We spent the day on the beach in the 85 degree weather and loving life. It’s been kind of a hassle so far but definitely worth it. One of the worst parts is that there are tons of people associated with different tourist services (diving, massages, etc) that walk the beaches and bother the hell out of you and seriously won’t leave you alone. Even when we tell them we are Spanish and don’t like saunas or massages they say “Well, maybe you like sauna sometimes” and continue to try to deliver their sales pitch which is absolutely insane.
Day two proved to be action packed. Back in the good old land of Espana, Jessica bought a thong bathing suit with the hopes of sporting it on the beaches of Egypt. As a joke, I brought along my man thong so that we could “thong it together”. Well one thing led to another and I found myself wearing a man thong on the beach. And, let me tell you, two thongs definitely make a right. Throughout the whole day of searching, I found myself unable to locate a single other male wearing a man thong, making me the skimpiest of the crowd, which is saying something considering they are all Europeans.
Day two also saw some very sketchy moments with resort staff. First, we made friends with a guy named Walleed, which sounds extremely close to “WALLE” from the movie. BFFAEAE now. Anyways, he asked us if there was anything we needed help with and we told him that we had been looking for a bottle of alcohol and couldn’t find any stores that sell alcohol of any type. He replies “No problem. I talk to my brother. No problem. Very cheap. I come to your room in 30 minutes”. Well much much later we get a phone call from Walleed and the deal commences. He comes in once, and uses our room phone to call someone. Then he leaves and comes back with a 1 liter bottle of rum. He claims that it costs 250 Egyptian Pounds (LE). This is equivalent to 33 Euros. Which may be in the area of 45 dollars. We say, no way, that’s way too much, the most we would pay is 150, which is 20 Euros. Then, his friend comes in with a fruit plate which is a gift for us for buying the rum. So we refuse the rum and try to refuse the fruit plate but they demand that we keep the fruit plate. Then 2 minutes later, Walleed comes back and is like “Ok.150. But only because you are my brother and she (Jess) is my sister.” So we give him the money and a little tip and send him on his way. The bottle of rum says “Especially for All Inclusive Hotels” on it, leading us to believe that he stole the rum. At least ¼ of the fruit is rotten, leading us to believe that Walleed is not quite the Brother we once thought he was. But alas, we have a bottle of rum and will be hitting the local dance club soon.
Day three felt like day 15 which was awesome because the time here seems to pass slowly but in a very good way. More thong tanning, more annoying guys on the beach, a little more Walleed, and a lot more sun made for a great day. Perhaps the most eventful part of the day was attempting to get plates to use in our room because we aren’t All Inclusive and need to eat some food. After asking twice at reception, Jess went back again and complained. They told her to get them from one of the restaurant’s cafes who then told her that she had to call the housing services. After at least an hour total, a housing services guy comes to the door. I was in the middle of making tuna sandwiches so Jess answered the door. He asks her, “Can I help you?” So she logically tells him that we want two glasses and two plates. Then he turns to me and asks “Can I help you?” as if to ask if I needed help fixing up lunch. He brings the glasses, then leaves, then brings the plates. He lingers in our room far too long saying “Is everything ok? Is everything ok?” and we are like “yea dude, but don’t think you are getting a tip for taking 3 hours to bring us plates” and then finally, after a super awkward 20 seconds, he leaves. Even if he had helped with the tuna sandwiches, I still wouldn’t have tipped him…
P.S. It is important to note that the term for tipping for a service is “Baksheesh” and I will continue to use this term throughout this story and my life.
Monday was a day of rest as we prepared for our big adventure on Tuesday – a snorkeling tour. However, we did attempt to do a little shopping and while perusing the contents of a basket full of stickers and temporary tattoos, a store worker approached us with this: “Hey, *smooch smooch sound* are you married or just friends? How about you make a little kiss for me?” I hope you can imagine that we threw down the would-be spoils and walked out. This brings me to a major topic about Egypt – people that could potentially sell you a product or a service are totally obnoxious and, in general, assholes. They really do try to get as much money out of you as possible, with no shame involved. More to come – see “Tuesday – Sunday”
Tuesday = Schnorkul
We went on a snorkeling tour to Giftun Island, which was an island paradise with beautiful fish and crystal clear water. I say WAS because Captain Planet was not hired as one of the crew members of the “General”, nor did he fancy a guest appearance on our Dutch-infested vessel (Stu was there though). In the middle of one of the most beautiful oceans I have been on, one of the crew members dropped a crate full of glass bottles onto the deck. Most of the bottles broke, some only a little bit. In front of my very own astonished eyes, the crew hurried to destroy the evidence by, why of course, sweeping the hundreds of pieces of broken glass into the ocean. We we ended up contacting a conservation and preservation group and reporting them because they were horrible. They disrupted parts of the reefs looking for conch shells and even threw other trash from the boat into the water. But, I make such a big deal about this only because the waters were pristine and the fish, impressive.
After our big day Tuesday, we got set to have a big night. We started with a fabulous three course dinner at McDonalds. You scoff, go ahead, but it was delicious and there was free WiFi. We had the Jalapeno deal which included a Jalapeno Burger, Jalapeno BITES, and Jalapeno McFlurries – de-fuckin-licious. The night continued at a bar with a Jug-o-Cocktail. Our cocktail of choice was the “Ticket To Fly”, a mixture of Rum, Vodka, Tequila, Triple Sec, and Pina Colada mix. This was followed by an impressive display of athleticism during the viewing of the second half of Electra and a 20 minute portion of Van Helsing in which Jessica and I polished off the liter of Walleeeeeeed’s Rum. We “walked” over to the club’s disco and danced for what may have been anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours. I wore a gangster-like hat out to the club and, logically, began to use it more and more as a prop as the night wore on, doing the MJ hat spin and throwing it into the air.
My inability to catch the hat apparently got out of hand and I was approached by a bouncer and asked to leave or put the hat down, which were and are entirely equivalent in my mind. As we exited the club, I decided that we should go and hang out on some large bed-looking relax mats. Somehow, we set up the camera to take a 10-second timed photo and then passed out immediately afterwards, not even bothering to look at the picture or pick up the camera. I awoke to Jessica saying we had to go – party over. Halfway to the room, Jessica, darling that she is, realizes that we don’t have the camera and manages to locate its exact position in her very foggy memory. I proceeded to Baksheesh the club by depositing my Jalapeno McFlurry in the trashcan outside. Game over.
The next day was bad. We got Baksheeshed, big time. Hung over, we realized around noon that the awful feeling in our stomachs and our bowels was not just from the alcohol but from the poisoned Egyptian water and or food that Captain Pollution gave us on our snorkeling trip. We made our way to the pharmacy to nip that one in the butt (pun intended) with some good old antibiotics.
Wednesday bled very quickly into Thursday which was overshadowed by our first Recreational Submarining experience. Somewhat overhyped, we successfully completed a submarine tour at a depth of 26 meters! Such an accomplishment warranted the undated, unsigned “certificate” that the hotel gave us when we got off the sub. To their credit, it was a yellow submarine named Sindbad.
We left the hotel and made our way back to Cairo using the same shitty bus company but this time got ripped off less. We took Dramamine to sleep and woke up in Cairo, taadaa! When we exited the bus we were essentially flogged with propositions for taxi rides. We stuck to our guns and said we would only pay 10 Egyptian Pounds (1.5 euros / 2 dollars) to go to our hostel. A group of three taxi drivers scoffed at us saying that the minimum they would accept was 20 Egyptian Pounds. In the middle of it all came one eager beaver that said “Baksheesh!” to his friends and grabbed the suitcase and said, “Ok 10 pounds, lets go”. Its truly amazing that people can try to screw you over so much and then just swallow their pride and be like “JK man, 10 is totally cool.” Since then, the exact same scenario has happened every time we took a taxi. We say one price, they say the double, we say “no thanks, bye”, and they say “ok, ok, ok, no problem”. Below is a picture of a taxi where you can see that the meter is ancient and doesnt work and the intereior is trashed and replaced by cardboard. This is not unusual...
We saw some sights in Cairo but, overall, were not impressed. The tourism industry here was once flourishing but has since been left to basically decay, along with the city. The city itself is rampant with poverty and is extremely dirty, even in the good parts. The pollution is obscene and the amount of overcharging is impressive. The place basically reeks of a tourist attraction gone bad, sustaining itself by the allure of the Pyramids and Giza but falling short in every other aspect. The Nile is a token of it all, a once beautiful river is now polluted and overrun by boats with tawdry lights.
We did have a very good dinner at a recommended restaurant, Abou Tarek, which proved to agree with our stomachs and not cause us to relapse.
As a side note the phase “Walk like an Egyptian” actually means “Nonchalantly walk out in front of traffic that refuses to stop for red lights. However, do not run. Ever.”
We did most of the touristy stuff around Cairo. The pyramids at Giza are definitely a must see once in your lifetime. The pyramids are impressively massive and awe-inspiring. It made me wonder what ever happened to the ancient Egyptians. Because they were building some impressive shit 4000 years ago so they should have definitely conquered some peoples. But apparently they spent too much time building cool shit and too little time kicking ass and eventually got conquered by the Persians and then the Romans and then the British. We also went to the Egyptian Museum which I would say is a must see if you are in Cairo. I’m not a huge museum person and some of the things in it were extremely impressive and ornate for the times that they were made.
Overall, Cairo is not a city that I liked. Most people try to take advantage of you, the pollution is horrible, the city is absolutely hideous, filthy, and essentially decrepit. The traffic is insane – there are no painted lanes and cars travel wherever they see fit, switching lanes constantly and using their horns every 3 seconds to either say “hello”, “fuck off”, “out of my way”, or “want to get in my taxi? No? Sometimes? How about now?”. Some people were extremely nice and others the opposite. It’s obviously a mixed bag but not one that I would like to mix myself into. However, I did find free internet in the Cairo Airport which is pretty awesome…
We had 36 hours in Milan on our return journey but the whole experience was pretty low key because it was Easter weekend and everything was closed. But Milan was a nice city with awesome Gellato, good pizza, and a sweet park. We hit up the Duomo while we were there and had us a good time.
